Call Me May 15, 2008

Nobody ever calls me anymore.  I come home and there’s no little light blinking, no notepad with a persons name and the word “called” next to them.  I rarely even hear the phone ring and when it does, it’s usually for Wil.

I was thinking about this last night at spiritual directon and I wouldn’t say I’m lonely but I can feel my unpopularity gripping at my well being.  When I call my mom, we have a 10 minute phone call about once a week.  What’s weird since I love my mom and I consider her a best friend so why the heck don’t we talk more?  The woman hates talking on the phone.  All of my years, I never saw her spend more then a few minutes  on any one phone call. 

This leads me to a thought about myself….I think I have phone anxiety.  I don’t even know if this is a real thing but I know I have it.  I do not like to call people.  Once I’m on the phone with them, I’m great and I love hearing what they’re doing and how they’re doing and I think about people often and wonder what’s new.  It is the actual act of calling that I have issues with.  I think, “What will we talk about? Will they be busy?  Will the cell phone cut in and out and drive me crazy?”  When I get an answering machine, I am somehow relieved because I have done my duty as a friend and have shown I care but I don’t have to actually talk.

Girl time is crucial in my life and when I make dates with my gal pals I always have so much to talk about and I always have a great time.  I rather them be here in person then on the phone.  Wil gets agrivated with me because I do have a cell phone but I never carry it and hardly use it unless I’ve gone “down the mountain.” 

What’s weird is that I haven’t always been this way.  I think it started in college and has progressed each year and each time I move.  Back in high school I would talk so long that one of my friends actually fell asleep while I was talking to him.  I remember pausing mid- sentence only to hear a soft snore on the other line.

Maybe tonight I’ll spread my wings and face my fears and call a few friends to say hello.  Or maybe I’ll watch the season finale of America’s Next Top Model………..

Stupid Best Buy April 29, 2008

I have some bad news.  Our computer is broken and Best Buy had to erase the hard drive therefore……my baby paper is gone!!!  Now, I’m not just saying this because no one will ever read it but the paper was a work of art, a masterpiece.  It made the reader laugh, cry, feel uncomfortable and fill with love all at the same time.  I think it was destined to win an award or two.

This leaves the question, “Will I write it again?”  The answer is as unsure as Hulk Hogan’s armpits.  My baby fever is definitly to a low simmer if that and to rehash subjects I had already researched, documented and learned about (like folic acid, cravings, and the increase of breast size) does not appeal to me.  So we’ll see.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been seeing a lot of scary baby news lately.  I was watching Jericho (great show by the way) and a woman died during child birth and then of course there’s Angelina and her “difficult pregnancy” amongst other things.  I’m just not in the mood anymore…I have a headache.

 

  += A head scratcher

Good Vibrations April 23, 2008

Last night at Spiritual Direction, we had the one where we say good bye to the seniors.  We did Eucharist which is not our usual thing and at first, I found myself very uncomfortable with it.  No doubt, I’ve done Eucharist before and will do Eucharist again but we sang songs about Jesus dying for us and I guess what I am saying is that even after these 5 years of being Episcopalian, I am still not comfortable with all of it.  When I hear phrases like, “He has risen” or “He dies for my sins” I tense up and wonder if I should be singing or saying the phrases knowing that I am truly not a believer.  I keep thinking that I will come to the answers but you see, that’s the problem, I’m thinking when I should be praying.  I know that the answers may never find me and I’m okay with that but I do wish I was more comfortable with the things I know I will be faced with the rest of my church going life.

It was really sad to say good-bye, especially to Becky.  At first, I felt nothing when other people were talking and then my heart started to move up into my throat and when i began to speak, it came out as a cry.  I love that woman and she has been so much a part of my life here.  If it wasn’t for Becky, I would definitly feel out of place and lonely even more then I usually do.  She is an amazing parent, an amazing Christian, and an amazing friend.  It was awesome because during her little speech about what Sewanee means to her, she said that I taught her how to be honest.  I will carry that with me and try to live up to what that means for me.

And here we are, at the end of another semester at Sewanee……………

Anniversary of Male Genatalia April 15, 2008

I saw Frat Penis this past weekend and not the good kind.

A year ago, I wrote about seeing frat dudes peeing out in public and not even trying to conceal their business.  Well, it happened again Friday night.  I was driving down Univeristy which is the main strip and peeing towards the passing cars was a frat dude.  He didn’t even try to hide behind one of the cars or go behind a tree.  Just plopped it out, wiggled it around, zipped it back up. Yuck!

Keepin it Real while Keepin the faith April 15, 2008

What a day, what a day.  I tell ya, life is somethin.  This past weekend I had the honor of being one of the people that got to go to dinner with Richard Schori.  For you non-Episcopalians or Episcopalians that live in a dark, bat ridden cave, Richard Schori is the husband of the presiding Bishop.  So, pretty big deal from my perspective.  He sort of felt celebrity-ish to me and I was a bit nervous before drinking my first glass of red wine.

Mr. Schori was here because the spouses of the seminary had a little retreat where we got to hear from spouses of the past that are now in churches with their man or woman Priest.  It was good and all but there’s always this negative undertone.  Everyone starts out all faith and love and ends all sacrifice and difficult.  I realize that Wil being a Priest will have its disadvantages and that it is more then just a job as are many careers that touch lives so deeply.  I just don’t buy the whole “life will be really hard” stuff.  I get that I can’t cuss (a lot) and I can’t wear a tube top and daisy dukes to the grocery store but I probably wasn’t going to do that anyway.  I can’t get wasted at the pot lucks or talk about the end of the world and conspiracy theories and that, I will actually have to be careful about. 

In this fantasy bubble that is Sewanee, these things are not real to me yet.  We all are  flawed  and anything we have issues with here seem to surface so easily.  I don’t want to hide who I really am at any point.  I likes to keep it real!

Cuckoo Thoughts March 26, 2008

For my birthday, Wil’s dad gave me a cuckoo clock.  He had apparently searched for quite some time to find me one that he thought I’d like and when he presented it to me, he beamed with pride.  I watched as he set it up and he showed me how to make the time current and how to wind it.  It’s pretty elaborate.  It has wood carvings of deer and birds and even some sort of hunting rifle.  The cuckoo bird comes out of a little door and little people dance around in a circle while the music box plays a happy tune. 

Honestly, at first, I wasn’t so sure about this thing.  Rifles and deer aren’t my bag and I’m not keen on hearing a clock chime every hour.  Wil put it up for me about a week after my brithday and it took my dog, Sylus, a little while to stop perking his ears up at every cuckoo. 

Last night, I was lying in bed reading the end of a great book and at 11pm, the clock went off with its 11 spaced out “cuckoo’s” and its little whimsical song.  I closed my eyes and thanked God for Wil’s dad and all the blessings that the day had brought me.  And then I realized why I had been given this clock.  It wasn’t because Wil’s dad thought that I was in need of a good clock or that I was being forced to take something that I’d never use and hardly liked.  I realized this clock made me think about family and I told myself right then each time I was present when the clock cuckooed, that I would thank God for atleast one blessing of my day.  It can be a simple blessing or something amazing that’s happened but as long as I take that moment, every hour I’m near the clock, to be thankful then this clock has brought me so much love and happiness with every tic toc.

This is not the actual clock but pretty darn close……..

Perfection is not possible March 21, 2008

People in seminary talk about all the struggles of being here and doing this.  Thus far, I have not been able to share in their struggles.  Wil and I didn’t come with much to begin with and if anything, our time here has strengthened our relationship.  I know a large majority of the seminarians and their spouses have given up homes, high paying careers, relationships, security, and belongings to become Priests and live in a strange state.  Tonight, during the Maundy Thursday service, there was this moment I could really feel love and light.  Every time I go to church, which isn’t very often, I ask God to help me believe.  I question so much about this religion, about the ceremony of it all, about Jesus being “it”, and I am continuosly trying to figure out what it is that I believe. 

After tonight, it was clear what my struggle has been and will be while here at Sewanee.  I see these Christian people everyday who hate one another, talk behind one anothers backs, become wrapped up in the do’s and don’ts so that they can’t see the love and friendship, and rae just plain mean.  Tonight,  I had the man next to me,under his breath, telling people to hurry up during the feet washing.  I had the voices outside that did nothing but complain about the sermon, there was even the voice of the Middler who critiqed every move the clergy made.  I wanted to turn around and ask them, ‘Why are you here?  What brought you to this place?  Are you even listening to the Gospel, to the lyrics of the songs, to confessions?”

What scares me is that I don’t know where this puts me.  Does this mean that I think I’m better then them?  I’ve done and will do my share of hating and gossiping and questioning.  It is so much easier to see it in others then in myself even though I can see it in me like I can see that random eyebrow hair, needing to be plucked if I just take the time to steady my hand, focus on my brow, and pull.  The issue I have is that by the time someone thinks they are ready to become a Priest, to lead others and to spread messages that are laid out in the Bible, shouldn’t a person have worked all this other garbage out?  I guess that would make them more then human which none of us are privledged enough to be.

So, while we are here, I will do my best to pray for the answers that are true to me, support Wil, and hope that I can stop myself before I do the negative things I see so clearly in others and pray that I am humble each and every minute.

Bunnies and Morons March 17, 2008

As I was driving home Friday night, a tiny little bunny hopped in front of my car.  My first thoughts were, “Look, it is the Easter Bunny.” Then I proceeded to yell at the bunny, “Go little bunny!  Go!” As I screeched to hault (which you’re never supposed to do) and closed my eyes and hoped the bunny had made it from under my car.  Well, he did but then I laughed at myself for yelling at the easter bunny who obviously could not hear me.

Wil and I watched Into the Wild.  I’ve wanted to see this movie because the idea of living off the lnad has always been a romantic one for me.  Well, the movie sucked.  It was way too long, the main character is kind of a moron and he hurts everyone in his path.  It made me feel weird which is never the sign of a feel good movie.  This was the exact opposite affect the movie Once had on me which I watched the day before.  That movie was awesome and made me cry like a teenage lovesick school girl.

My Birthday is Upon Us All March 5, 2008

It’s that time of year again and in 4 days, I will turn 29 years old.  I have already had an amazing birthday.  I saw my family, have been taken to lunch, and have plans to take a trip to Chicago on Saturday.  Life is pretty sweet even though I am one year older.

My sister in lawgave me an awesome book about having enough in a world that is designed to make us want more and more and more.  It makes me want to donate tons of stuff to Goodwill and never buy anything ever again.  This will last for a least a few days.  I have friends who buy one thing every 5 months and it is something that they truly need like a new pair of running shoes because theirs finally have a hole in the toe.  I want to be more like this.

Well, happy birthday all you pisces.  Swim against the current, mate with a different breed, and never become sushi at the local Chinese Buffet.

See Through Thoughts February 27, 2008

I just got finished browsing an old friend/boyfriend’s website and picture gallery.  He has had this website for years now and this is the first time I really looked at the pictures and read the remarks.  I find myself in this weird nostalgic place.  He will always be a friend of mine and even more, a teacher.  The things I learned about nature and perserverance are many and deep.  I feel like I have lost so much of those things I wanted to be.  It is no ones fault but my own.  I have no true discipline’s in my life.  I kinda do yoga and I sort of work out but I give into whims and wants.  Nothing has really stuck with me over the 28 (soon to be 29) years I’ve been alive.  If anything I’ve gone further from spirit; nature needs to be my second home.  There’s a sparkle that happens in the eyes of someone who is living as purely as they can.  It comes from earthly things, not man made.  So, I am making a vow that I will spend more time with the trees and wind and less time with the remote and computer.