People in seminary talk about all the struggles of being here and doing this. Thus far, I have not been able to share in their struggles. Wil and I didn’t come with much to begin with and if anything, our time here has strengthened our relationship. I know a large majority of the seminarians and their spouses have given up homes, high paying careers, relationships, security, and belongings to become Priests and live in a strange state. Tonight, during the Maundy Thursday service, there was this moment I could really feel love and light. Every time I go to church, which isn’t very often, I ask God to help me believe. I question so much about this religion, about the ceremony of it all, about Jesus being “it”, and I am continuosly trying to figure out what it is that I believe.
After tonight, it was clear what my struggle has been and will be while here at Sewanee. I see these Christian people everyday who hate one another, talk behind one anothers backs, become wrapped up in the do’s and don’ts so that they can’t see the love and friendship, and rae just plain mean. Tonight, I had the man next to me,under his breath, telling people to hurry up during the feet washing. I had the voices outside that did nothing but complain about the sermon, there was even the voice of the Middler who critiqed every move the clergy made. I wanted to turn around and ask them, ‘Why are you here? What brought you to this place? Are you even listening to the Gospel, to the lyrics of the songs, to confessions?”
What scares me is that I don’t know where this puts me. Does this mean that I think I’m better then them? I’ve done and will do my share of hating and gossiping and questioning. It is so much easier to see it in others then in myself even though I can see it in me like I can see that random eyebrow hair, needing to be plucked if I just take the time to steady my hand, focus on my brow, and pull. The issue I have is that by the time someone thinks they are ready to become a Priest, to lead others and to spread messages that are laid out in the Bible, shouldn’t a person have worked all this other garbage out? I guess that would make them more then human which none of us are privledged enough to be.
So, while we are here, I will do my best to pray for the answers that are true to me, support Wil, and hope that I can stop myself before I do the negative things I see so clearly in others and pray that I am humble each and every minute.
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