Something New from the Old January 7, 2009

I am currently enrolled in an EfM group.  What this means is that one night a week, after reading many many pages of a guide and the Bible, I go and discuss it with a group of people.  [Sounds like a Bible study but it isn't quite that].  I have learned SO much.  Having never read the Bible and knowing slim to none about it, the whole experience has been challenging but I have started to make connections and have those moments where things actually make sense.  We are reading the Old Testament right now which is like reading really crazy poetry at times.  The more I read about the God that is portrayed in the Old Testament [very angry, very destructive], the more I question…well, everything!  I am a shacky “Christian” as is so when I read all this stuff that seems impossible, it makes me scratch my head even more.  I am not sure about Jesus and all that (you know what I’m saying) and have been trying to find answers even though the more I try to find answers and the more questions that arise, the more I think that’s the whole point…..that’s what faith is all about.  We are not supposed to know, we are supposed to trust.  That’s a hard one for me. 

When I go to wear one of my five crucifix necklaces I really have to talk myself into it.  In some ways, I feel hypocritical for wearing it since I am not “onboard” with all that it symbolizes.  I end up making it into my own symbol.  It represents the things that I believe in when it comes to Jesus and God. 

Moving away from the Bible, I also was thinking about prayer and the purpose of prayer.  Another barrier I have is when I want people to know someone needs their thoughts, I still have a hard time saying “pray for so and so”.  Instead I say, “Be thinking about so and so.”  I do not think God is this human figure that sits up in heaven and listens to our prayers and tries to “grant” them or has a list that he checks or anything like that.  So what’s the purpose?  Wil says it is so we can litsen to God.  Okay I like that but for me, I think it has to do with energy.  So if I am thinking/praying for so and so and so are you and so is Joe and so is Betty then that’s a lot of energy going towards someone.  Does that energy bounce off the heavens and descend to the person?  I don’t know.  And that’s just the point:  I don’t know. 

I am so thankful for my time in EfM right now because it has me thinking.  I had become spiritualy stagnant and now the juices are flowing again but in a different way then they ever have before.  Something I do know is that my life is different when I am praying and my week is different when I do go to church.  I also know that that’s just me and someone else is for sure to feel differently. 

Isn’t America great?  I can write all this stuff down and not be hunted down by crazys.